Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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