dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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