I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
