Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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