I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
