My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
