Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
