Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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