its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
