Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
And then my night got REAL pukey
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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