when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
