I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
