I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
