I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
