I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think my moral compass just broke
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
