I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
