My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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