fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
