I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
