Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
