Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
