Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
