Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
