There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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