I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
