either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
