Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
