got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
