i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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