Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
