I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
