is your mom at the bar?
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
