I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
