Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
