my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
