When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
