well I can't set my house on fire every night
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
