you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
