..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
