My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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