I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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