I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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