Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
