my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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