My sheets look like a crime scene.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
