If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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