i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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