this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
