Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
so much tequila, so little girl.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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