in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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