false alarm. still invincible.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
